As we sift through the post-Christmas wreckage of shredded wrapping paper and torn toy packaging, I think it is clear, now more than ever, that changes need be made to become socially conscious in future holiday seasons.

You may not have realized it, but Santa Claus is one bad, politically incorrect dude. Here are the problems I see in the jolly old elf, and what I think should be done to correct things.

First, Santa Claus (pronounced "Sane-tee Claws" where I come from) is, well let's face it, overweight. All those cookies and whole milk have taken their toll on the weight challenged man. With the coming nationalized healthcare system, each of us as taxpayers will be paying for Santa's irresponsible over-eating. Now we will all be dependent on getting our healthcare from the government.

He represents a drain on the system. The more money that goes to his medical bills, the less there will be available to us and our kids.

I propose a court ordered "health and wellness" plan to get Santa back down to a healthy weight. In the meantime, it is our duty to leave him locally grown, fresh carrot sticks and organic soy milk, instead of the traditional sweets.

Santa's pipe also has to go. First, there are the obvious health risks to him that, under the new government healthcare, will put the burden of his risky lifestyle on the rest of us. Second, he's setting a bad example for our children. And third, Santa risks spreading cancer throughout the world with his evil second-hand smoke. It's just unacceptable.

There can be no more toy guns or Barbie dolls. Cap guns promote violence, and Barbie dolls and their slim figures damage girls' self-esteem. These types of toys also perpetuate gender stereotypes which threaten to reinforce male domination in society.

The "naughty or nice" list needs to be changed to the "needs improvement or satisfactory behavior" list. It would stunt a child's social development as well has hurt his or her feelings to be deemed "naughty."

Plus, "naughty" is just too negative. We must use positive language to reinforce good, socially conscious behavior in our children.

The coal and/or switches in stockings for children whose behavior needs improving must stop. Coal represents the most environmentally destructive form of fossil fuel which is a driving factor behind climate change and poisonous gases in the air. Switches are also inappropriate because they symbolize violence and parental dominance over children.

Santa's factory at the North Pole is cause for grave concern for the environment. The environmental footprint of these industrial activities is devastating to the endangered arctic micro-organisms that inhabit that polar region.

The factory's carbon footprint is a big culprit behind the global climate change crisis. Not to mention the inefficiency of flying toys thousands of miles around the world when the socially conscious thing to do would be to buy local homemade toys, even if they're not what your kids actually want, in order to save on transportation costs and emissions.

As we all know, Santa's North Pole factory uses child elf labor and does not have proper governmental regulation. We're not even sure if the elves are paid minimum wage or are provided healthcare or other benefits.

We must demand that Santa Claus boost wages and provide health benefitsÉ even if it means some elves will lose their jobs due to the increase in Santa's labor costs. Even if it means increased costs will lead to fewer toys.

The plastic materials in the toys are also harmful to our health. The levels of toxins are so high that if you ate an entire plastic figurine, you might get a little bit sick. We cannot allow these poisons to be put in the hands of our children!

The environmental impact of all the packaging and wrapping paper is staggering as well. In order to forego an environmental catastrophe, wrapping presents is a tradition that must end. Sure it may take away from the joyful suspense, but isn't our planet worth it?

And what a cruel man St. Nick is for the inhumane treatment of his reindeer as they are enslaved to a life of hard labor pulling Santa's sleigh around the world. Santa will also need to trade in his fur lined red coat and instead don a faux-fir substitute.

Santa is also going to have to stop breaking and entering people's homes at night and giving presents to children. Besides, it's the government's job to give out free stuff.

In keeping with the secularist, politically correct parlance of the times, St. Nick must drop any reference to his sainthood because it could offend the non-religious and atheists. His signature, "Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!" will also have to be changed to "Happy winter solstice holiday!"

These changes will take some getting used to, but awareness is key. Hopefully one day, the holiday season can truly be a socially conscious and environmentally friendly occasion.



Tar Heel Dispatch is written by Tyler Younts, a second-year law student at Campbell University. Younts, who grew up in Farmer, has a passion for writing and for politics and for writing about politics. E-mail comments to news@randolphguide.com or directly to Younts at tlyounts0209@email.campbell.edu