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March 9, 2010

Larry Penkava – Chimpanzee rehab

Whattaya do with a carousing drunk? Send him to rehab, natch. What if it’s a chimpanzee? Ditto.

In this particular case, the troublemaker is a Russian chimpanzee named Zhora.

According to a press release by the Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper, Zhora’s plight is the usual hard-luck story of a successful career gone bad by a series of unfortunate occurrences leading inevitably to rock bottom.

Zhora had been a popular circus performer, entertaining audiences young and old with his ape-like antics. Somehow, for whatever reason, things began to go downhill.

The chimp star became aggressive. Whether it was midlife crisis, dissatisfaction with the way his career was heading or relationship problems, Zhora couldn’t control his emotions.

Officials transferred him to a zoo in the southern city of Rostov.

The change seemed to help for a while. Zhora settled into domestic life, fathering several children and taking up drawing with colored markers.

But his new home also brought with it some habits that were to send him spiraling into the gutter. Zhora had become addicted to tobacco and alcohol.

“The beer and cigarettes were ruining him,” said the Pravda article. “He would pester passersby for booze.”

The story didn’t say if Zhora had used his markers to make signs reading, “Will work for booze.” But it’s clear the simian was traveling down a slippery slope.

The challenged chimp’s behavior became so offensive that the zoo was forced to send him to the city of Kazan, about 500 miles east of Moscow, for rehabilitation.

Now Zhora is on the wagon, no doubt suffering withdrawal from both the cigarettes and the beer. It’s not known how long before he recovers enough to be released back into public life.

There are, of course, a number of questions that need to be asked concerning the decline of Zhora.

First of all, why weren’t the reasons for his initial aggressiveness sought out with the intention of eliminating them?

A few sessions of psychotherapy could have set his life back on the right track. Zhora could still be under the bigtop amusing fans with his penchant for, er, whatever he amused them with.

Second, if Zhora was doing well enough in Rostov to sire children and learn a new craft, then what caused him to go ape over booze and cancer sticks? Weren’t family relationships and a new hobby enough to keep him happy?

And third, how did Zhora get his beer and cigarettes? Were they part of the zoo’s benefit package or did the chimp get black market goods?

My guess is that Zhora has been placed in a 12-point, group-session program.

He’s probably been through Step 1: “Hi, my name is Zhora and I’m an alcoholic chimpanzee.”

It’s likely he’s on a nicotine patch to ease his cigarette withdrawal. I’ve heard the first three weeks are critical.

Once Zhora is fully rehabilitated, it’s hopeful he’ll be sent back to the zoo where his chimp kids have been living without their father. He can get back to his drawings as well.

One benefit to returning to the zoo is that all the publicity about his woes is certain to bring his fans back to see him.

Now, if the zookeepers can just prevent visitors from slipping Zhora packs of cigarettes and cans of beer, the chimp should live out his days in contentment.

I hope the simple simian can make up with the ol’ wife. That could create troubles that would make beer and cigs pale into insignificance.



Larry Penkava, who has written Now and Then since 1994, thinks Zhora should put his drawings on eBay.

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